Fool me once...

Nobody likes being played for a fool or an idiot. It’s one of the worst feelings in the world to know you’re being fooled, lied to, played, or any other way you want to put it and knowing you are. You have a person dead to rights and yet they still proceed to go along with their deception. It’s just humiliating and if you’re like me, I’m sure you just sit back and take it until the point you can’t take it anymore. My dad used to always say, “you may as well tell me the truth because you can’t lie to me. There’s no story you can make up I haven’t heard or haven’t done myself”. I feel that way now. I certainly don’t know everything but I’m fairly streetwise and a good judge of character. Be straight up with me and let us both live with the consequences rather then lying and making us both look like fools.

To Have Loved and Lost.....?

I implore you right now not to read this blog. It’s self-indulgent, self-loathing, and really, written just for me. It’s a far cry from my usual crap but it’s something I simply need to write down.

My name is Rich I’m 40 years old and live in Cambridge, MA. I’m from a strong, solid Irish Catholic family and have a solid if boring job. By all accounts I’m a fairly stable, normal guy. The kind of guy you’d strike up a conversation in a bar with. Oh, did I mention, I lived almost 39 years and had never been in love? For real, not even close. It’s kind of like Andy from the 40 Year Old Virgin (well, except the virgin part). Oh, I’ve had a few crushes and even a couple of semi-long relationships, but none of it was ever love. It’s not like I didn’t want to fall in love just after it didn’t happen I kind of stopped trying. Because of events in my life the past decade I actually thought better of letting anyone get too close. I figure why go through the hurt and anguish at this point? Never being in love means never having your heart broken. Well, a funny thing happened on the way to 40…

We met quite by chance online and started talking every night. Not some singles service or online dating, just met and hit it off. We talked every night although rarely about anything more then friend stuff. Somewhere along the line I fell in love with her. I felt foolish, in love with someone I never actually met. But I was smitten. I started to realize that maybe the feelings were mutual so we started vague conversations about getting together. Now, what I haven’t told you to this point is the fact she was 16 years my junior and lived 6 states away. Still, dauntless on our efforts, we managed to pick a date and I went to meet her.

I won’t say it was love at first sight (since I was already there haha) but the chemistry was very apparent. We followed up with 2 quick trips up here. I was honestly having the time of my life. I felt alive, felt goofy, was saying and doing goofy things and I really liked it. As she was leaving she told me she really liked what we had but was not ready for a committed relationship of any sort long distance or otherwise. I agreed and in my head I thought that was perfect. My friend’s all joked I was living a rock star life. A young, pretty girl I saw once a month with no commitment. What could be better? They couldn’t of been more wrong. When she got home from that trip, she said something to me I’d never heard before…”I think I love you”. To even more of my surprise, I heard a strangely familiar voice, my own, saying “I love you too”. My 39-year loveless streak was at an end.


I’d like to pause here to talk about love. Love is used in so many ways it can be confusing. You can love your mom, love your dog, and love the chicken picatta at your favorite Italian restaurant. If you believe popular culture, love hurts, love stinks, love is a battlefield, love is a many splendor thing, and love means never having to say your sorry and all you need is love. So what is love? I’m probably the wrong man to ask having only experienced it once and previous to that, everything I knew about it was what I saw in movies and read in books. So, to me, love is that feeling you get for someone when every second you’re apart is agony, the feeling your heart is going to pound out of you chest whenever you see the one you love, you can’t be in the same room with them and keep you eyes off of them, you can’t be near them without longing to make contact with them, a minute apart is eternity and 50 years together is too short. That’s how I see love and that’s the state of in love I was in!


Now that’s out of the way…I’m not going to get into too many details but from probably September until November to call it an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement. I’ll take the brunt of it as I thought the idea of an open relationship would be fine. Well, it wasn’t, not even close. For the first time in my life I was madly jealous. It wasn’t just jealousy, it was disappointment. For the first time ever, I wanted to do the things I had only thought of doing; sending random gifts, writing love letters, I even took a stab at bad poems. None of it got a reaction even close to what I expected or wanted. Again, that’s my fault. Not everyone acts or reacts to things the same…but god it was frustrating. It started to pre-occupy my thoughts. Seeing her was one thing. I can only think of one time when we were together that things were ever strange. It was the long times apart that I really got jealous, maybe even paranoid. I was in a bad state of mind to the point my friend’s and family was starting to worry. I was in a quandary as I kept doing and saying the things she said she really liked and wished more guys would do but after doing or saying them, I felt…let down.

Things really hit the fan in November. I will not get into specifics, but I was hurt more then I ever knew I could be, at least short of death of someone close. I was devastated, angry, heart broken and other words I can’t begin to describe. I was hurt so bad I was in tears. By the terms of our relationship what happened should have been ok, but it just WASN’T! I really should have just ended it right there. I really wanted to. I guess I was so in love at that point she could have done anything and I would have forgiven her. I think she felt bad, she said she did, so we moved on. I guess I never really fully healed from that. We were actually quite blissful right through Christmas and spent an awesome New Year together. We were in a total state of euphoria for about a week after, and then the walls came tumbling down.

Something just clicked in her head. We were talking about seeing each other sooner then later when BOOM. She said it was too much. We were moving too fast (she was probably right), she was too young to start getting serious (again probably right) and a bunch of other things. I felt like someone had pulled the rug out from under me. In a week we went from seeing each other more to once a month was too much. This was really the beginning of the end. February was brutal, particularly Valentines Day (I should have stuck with my hatred of that fake Holiday). We saw each other 2 more times and again, something changed with her although not necessarily something I said or did but I was lumped in. I really lost it and made a regrettable phone call. I was drunk and wounded and it was stupid. We took a small break, and then made up but it was pretty much a done deal by then. She went away for 2 weeks but promised we get together when she was back.

At this point it finally sunk in it was over. I didn’t want it to be. I was starting to feel like that person everyone knows grasping desperately to something that wasn’t there, just didn’t exist any more. I said I’d wait until she got back. You know, absence make the heart blah, blah, blah. Well needless to say, I was disappointed as usual. I really get my hopes worked up sometimes. It was just…nothing there when she got back. Out of the blue one night she says lets get together next weekend. I say sure. Now, for whatever reason people underestimate me. I knew her idea was to get together to see if we could just be friends, no kissing, etc. and as she was going to be visiting her friend the next week she wanted our status cemented before then. I pretty much suspected this but I’m a believer in chemistry, so who knows. The drive there was emotional because of this situation as well as impending disaster occurring back home which I didn’t know about until 3/4 the way there. I was a wreck by the time I got there. I was greeted with a hug…and that’s all. I felt my heart being ripped out of my chest. To quote the great Harry Chapin “now another man mighta been angry, now another man mighta been hurt” but I swallowed by pride and sorrow because at that point I needed a friend. It was an oddly fun yet uncomfortable time. Some of it was so natural and seemed normal and was obvious there was still chemistry, but some of it was just awkward. I let my frustration show a few times. We talked before I left. She admitted about planning on not kissing me etc. and I was a little pissed. I mean, I'm adult, we're trying to re-establish something, I should have been given a choice. I told her if friends are what she wants to be, that’s what we’ll be. Once again it was my voice, but I have no idea who actually said this. We left it with a long hug and a platonic kiss on the cheek. I also realized I was still madly in love with her and likely always would be The ride home was rough with me reflecting on what I woulda, coulda, shoulda done. The bottom line is I followed my heart for once in my life and it simply wasn’t enough. I still loved her, proabably will for a longgggg time.

We’ve spoken since about us a little. I really do consider her a great friend but sometimes going through what we (or I) went through, sometimes being friends again isn’t an option. She thinks we can see each other again just as friends. I don’t think I can. I can’t be with her without staring at her, wanting to touch her, wanted to kiss her. She doesn’t believe me but when I look at her, I see the most beautiful woman I have ever known. I just don’t know that I can go back. I still love her, so I guess I have to let her go.

So, in the long run, was it worth it? Hell yeah it was. I had some great times. To me the highs of my time with her far outweighed the lows while I think for her it was the opposite. I learned some valuable lessons about myself, what I’m capable of, and relationships in general:

• I learned you don’t have to run away from love and that whilst heart wrenching, it’s a pretty wonderful thing
  
• That I’m capable of being the giving, caring, romantic guy I’ve always seen myself as but never let anyone see it
  
• To what lengths I’d go to not lose something precious to me. From lowering my moral stand, taking hurt I’d never take from anyone else, to dragging a common friend into the fray when I had no right doing so as her loyalties could only be in one place.
  
• That while age and distance can certainly make a relationship harder, it’s really being 2 people of the same mind that determines whether something works or not
  
• That there is a give and take to every situation and nothing is ever black and white but shade of gray.
  

I guess when Shakespeare penned “better to have loved and lost then never have loved at all” he knew of what he spoke. While I hate losing what I had even for a short time I’ll treasure that time forever. I feel confident now that someone else will come along, maybe I’ll even fall in love again, but that would still mean settling for second best. I’ve always said people who settle are simply fooling themselves. I guess I’ll be fooling myself.

The 5% Solution

So, this weekend (August 12-13) is the annual Tax Free Holiday in MA. It’s something done in many States throughout the union that regularly charge sales tax on most non-essential (food, clothing) retail items. For one weekend a year, you can buy any item up to $2,500 (with some exclusions http://www.dor.state.ma.us/rul_reg/tir/TIR_06_13.htm) tax-free. In the great State of Massachusetts that means a savings of an additional 5%! Wow. This is the 4th year I believe and it’s been an unbelievable success for retailers throughout the State. People plan purchases around this weekend for weeks in advance, I mean, it is an additional 5% off. Who wouldn’t want to save 5%?

OK, you’ve probably figured this is going somewhere as obviously the level of cynicism above was far below my normal level. I’m mystified by the popularity of this event. I mean, I’m in retail, and have been my whole adult life. People are so fascinated with numbers and huge savings it’s not even funny. If you run a sale, it has to be “x%” off everything or people think they’re getting ripped off. People fall for those jack up your price and then give 20% off gimmicks all the time. People are just plain fascinated with “huge savings”. To a person, if we have a sale, they ALL ask what percent off it is. Not dollars saved but percent off. Even if you’re regular price is the lowest in the world, if it’s not 20% lower when on sale, you’re a rip-off. That said, people go crazy making big purchases to save the 5% sales tax. If we had a sale and said 5% off everything in the store, people would laugh their asses off at us. In fact, if we had double the sales tax off, 10% off all purchases, people would still laugh. Yet, come this Saturday, they will be in lining up to make major purchases. What a Country!

So, why the phenomenon? Why go out of your way to save 5%? Most places aren’t offering any savings on top of that? So why does 5% savings get people off their asses? Simple. Because it’s 5% they are taking from the State, not the store. It’s a chance to “stick it to the man”. People love that. If give liberals, conservatives, Democrats, Republicans, old, young, rich, poor and everyone in between a chance to say “bite me State of Massachusetts, you ain’t getting my 5%”!! It’s kinda like the 60’s and 70’s protests against except conformity…except in a really lame way. The whole thing is a giant ploy by the State to keep dollars in MA and out of tax-fee NH. They are convincing you that while you pay sales tax 363 days a year and your neighboring State doesn’t, for one weekend a year, you’re on equal ground.

So, lets get out there and buy people, get those refrigerators, air conditioners, and ice skates (please). Help pay my salary while giving the finger to the State. Making it Massachusetts means Keeping it in Massachusetts!! Man, PT Barnum was right. There is a sucker born…

A Pirate Looks at 40

Ok, I admit it, as much as I said I didn't care, turning 40 was starting to get to me. My attitude most of the summer has been piss poor. It was mostly because for the first time in a while, I thought I had little to look forward to this summer. As usual, I was wrong. July ended up being a rather memorable month.

I'm sure most of you have heard of the infamous junkfood trip me and Marc made on July 1st. In a nutshell, after weeks of talk, we drove to CT for the sole purpose of sampling some of the famous and little known roadside hot dog/burger/drive-ins that dot the CT landscape. It was a ridiculous, preposterous, and gut bustingly funny day. After about the 3rd of 6 stops, we simply couldn't stop laughing about the whole concept of what we were doing. The picture of the trip was of course me and the now famous 2 foot plus hot dog.

My actual birthday came and went without much hoopla. A cake with the family. That weekend my man Higgs was in town from OH. He, myself and his wife were supposed to go out drinking BUT Lisa didn't make the call as she went out the night before and was somehow still hungover at 7:00 PM. Amateurs. Sheesh. Anyways, it was boys night out. We had an OK dinner at Franks and proceeded to the Bar (from here in on Spirit will be referred to as the Bar) where Brian informed me he didn't wanna close the bar tonight. Haha. Fat chance of that. It was pretty dead as it was the Saturday after the Holiday but gave us a chance to play random goofy 80's songs on the jukebox and catch up. After a while of trading stories Brian informed me he was married with kids and didn't have any more good stories. My friends Daga, Dani, and Sippy showed up (fairly cocked already may I add) and we proceeded to laugh until, yes, last call. Was a fun time all and all. The thing that sucks is whenever me and Brian get together its a great time, but, it makes me realize how much it sucks he lives so far away.

July 15th was the date of my 40th birthday get together. It's funny how it grew to the size it was. My sister katy asked me about 6 months ago what I wanted to do for my 40th. I basically said whatever, just no surprises and no hall party. I told her if I had my druthers I'd like to just tell a few people and all hang out at the Bar on July 8th. She agreed that would be fun. Now if you know Katy there was no way it was going to be that simple. First, she informed me we were changing the date to July 15th and not July 8th as too many people would be away. Sound logic although it flew in the face of my original concept. She then asked me for friend's e-mail addresses and I started to realize this could be getting big.

The week of the party is one of the busiest weeks of the year at work so the week flew by. All week people were asking me how the party planning was coming. I said ask Katy. It's my party, I'm doing no planning!! I was actually starting to get nervous. Hell, I didn't even go out the night before (well, me, Marc and Paul D did go to Revere Beach and hit both Kelly's and Bianchi's Pizza). I got home from work and relaxed for a bit until I got the call (more of an order) from Katy to get my ass down there. Well, I started sweating buckets literally to the point nearly everyone mentioned it. It was reminiscent of Albert Brooks in Broadcast News (obscure reference). It finally stopped around the time most people showed up. I was really taken back by how many people showed up. Sometimes you start thinking all your friends and drifting away and then something like this restores your faith. I'm not going to do a blow by blow account of the night as most of you were there but here were some highlights for me:

• The day before the party mom telling me she hopes no one gets out of hand and then asking me if people still get drunk in bars. She's so cute
• The sign outside the Bar reading "Happy 40th Rich"
• Brian the manager greeting me with a bucket of Miller Lite
• Brian handing me an envelope addressed to Rich Miller (an inside joke) and thanking me for the crowd. I said, don't thank me, thank THEM
• The whole bar singing Happy Birthday and making a short speech (I was coerced into it...ok, not coerced to forcefully)
• Jerry trying to avoid being near the cake for the singing but mom telling him she wasn't leaving until he came up there
• Mom sayin to Brian "so this is Rich's home away from home" and Brian defending me saying I'm not there that much and her responding "typical bartender covering for his customers" haha
• Kevin M speaking some foreign language after drinking 30 Summer Ales
• The small pool we had going as to what time Pete K would make his grand entrance
• The lack of Pete K's grand entrance as he walked in quietly like it was just another bar

There was a lot more but that's what jumps to mind. It was nice to see so many people from so many different parts of my life all in one room. Family, old friends, new friends, and everyone in between. Thanks to Katy for all the planning and Katy, Jenny and all the rest who got there early and arranged all the food etc. Brian and the staff at the Bar were awesome (and from what he told me last week, very well taken care of by all you big tippers ;-)I had the time of my life 'tho I regret the lack of time I could spend with each person there. I kind of felt like what it must be like when you get married and everyone is there because of you and you just don't have the chance to spend as much quality time with each and everyone of them as you can. I do regret the shots at the end and getting a little fuzzy and the ill planned trip to Cambridge Common but what the hell. You're only 40 once. See you all in 10 years!

Recent Musings

Some recent observations traveling to Fenway Park via the "T" on a hot summer night:

• Rule #1 you're taught when riding the subway is LET THE PEOPLE OFF FIRST!! It's such a simple little thing yet ignorant assholes love to shove there way on the second the doors slide open paying no mind to children, the elderly, handicapped, or worst of all, me
• Hot weather=spaghetti straps, spaghetti straps=smiles
• What's with the ginormous back packs? I mean, unless you're in school, how much shit can you actually carry with you? I saw a guy with a back pack so big I thought for sure he stole it from an expedition to climb Mount Everest.
• Personal hygiene is something everyone should consider before riding the subway...More so if its 92 degrees at 8:30 pm...Much more so if the air conditioning could be busted...phew
• I have no problems with panhandlers in theory, but let's get some creativity involved. I mean, shaking a cup with change in it to the tune of a nearby boombox hardly counts towards working for your money.
• The sheer number of people leaving the ball game in the 2nd and 3rd innings is astounding. I know some people are bringing their kids to a night game but, sheesh, at the cost of a Sox game, bring them to a day game.
• You know it's hot when you're sitting in an air conditioned bar at 9:30 at night and you're dripping with sweat as badly as people sitting in the park
• Only in Boston can news on the Yankees losing get nearly as many cheers as the Sox winning

Now I don't wanna go off on a rant...

• At what point in a mans life does he stop wearing his pants on, above, or below his hips and start wearing them around his armpits?
  
• People will flock to anything free or perceived as free. If you hang a sign that says "free ass kickings" people will queue up at 6:00 a.m. to be first in line
  
• By and large if someone calls you from a bar drunk and tells you to meet them there its typically going to be a long ass night
  
• I actually had my shirt off in public this weekend (public meaning surrounded by family and friend) and realize I truly am the whitest white man on Gods green Earth
  
• Why is the price of self serve and full sever gas basically the same now and why do we still go self serve rather then let someone else pump it
  
• Am I the only person who has a car in decent shape, low mileage that cannot even go in for an oil change without the bill climbing into the multi-hundred-dollar range?
  
• The only thing worse then the actual heat is people complaining about the heat and all the stupid clichés. "Its not the heat, its the humidity", "you'll appreciate this weather in February", etc. And worse, the people who think they are the only one that is hot "god, I am so hot". Like, Im not!!! I have a personal air conditioner that I vent up my ass that keeps me cool while youre sweating you ass off!!!!
  
• Bagging is a lost art form. I leave Target with 16 bags for 12 items. I literally thought my condo was gonna be over-run with errant Target bags. When I go to the supermarket its not "paper or plastic" its please, just use the fewest friggin bags. I was thinking of knitting myself a sweater from all my Target bags but decided white isnt my color
  
• Dog people scare me. I actually saw a guy in a department store with his dog leashed to a shopping cart and being pushed around the store. I mean, theres clearly a sign that says no pets in the store but apparently those rules just dont count. A girl I work with brings a dog with her to work. Um, ok, why? Can we all bring our pets? Worse, her dog was abused as a puppy and tends to snap at kids. Yup, dogs biting customers is a good way to run a business
  
• On the same note, for those of us in non-smoking States doesn't it seem so weird now thinking back to people smoking in public places? Shopping with butts hanging out of their mouths? Smoking at ballgames? Smoking on PLANES?!?! I remember my boss's wife smoking in the store and when she quit putting a no smoking sign up. Now, I cant even fathom someone smoking indoors anywhere anymore.

The Golden Wedgies

I feel I just haven’t been raging against stupid people enough recenty so figured it was time to catch up. I’m announcing the first recipients or the Rich O Golden Wedgie Awards. For the uninitiated, a wedgie is a form of torture and humiliation usually dispensed on teenage boys by bullies or as part of a “welcoming” ritual. The procedure is usually grasping one by the back of their underpants and pulling with great force and velocity pulling said underwear into ones “anal cleft” causing great pain, discomfort and yes, humiliation. Naturally it works best if the person is wearing briefs or “tighty whiteys” as boxers simply don’t give the same effect. For the purpose of these awards, neither men nor women shall be spared from my wrath. Many of you insane enough to have been reading my crap for the last couple of years will recognize some of these repeat offenders. That said, on to the Wedgies:

• The guy who pulls out in front of you from a side street in such a great hurry then proceeds to drive at 15 mph
  
• The guy who shaves or wants to have a convo NAKED at the gym (OK, he’ll need to put on underwear before the wedgie)
  
• The person with the obnoxious ring tone on their cell with the volume all the way up
  
• The person talking on their cell phone at the gym
  
• Just about anyone using the “walkie talkie feature on his or her phone. Or anyone who “chirps”
  
• Anyone who walks around 24/7 with their bluetooth headset on (are you seeing a trend here)
  
• The person at work who makes 50 redundant and ridiculous cell phone calls a day to their significant other that usually consists of “so, whatcha doin”
  
• People wearing headphones trying to have a conversation then keep saying “what” or “huh”?
  
• Same people who take them off to ask a question, get an answer, put the headphones back on, take them off, etc
  
• The rhetorical question kings (hot enough for ya)
  
• The guy who tell the same joke EVERYTIME you see him
  
• Cyclists who think they are cars and can ride down the middle of the street. That is of course until the get to a red light which they feel they have the right to run
  
• The girl with the tongue ring who thinks anyone want to see it between her front teeth all day long
  
• The kettle/pot/black guy. You know, he’s fat but points out how fat people are or he’s bald and points out how bald people are
  
• The person in line in front of me using their debit card for a $3.00 purchase
  
• The person who is outraged that a dive doesn’t accept credit cards
  
• The person who walks around with NO money on them and always wants you to front them until they get to an ATM
  
• Anyone who brings their dog into a store with them
  
• The person who gets decked out head to toe in their favorite teams gear and then proceed to pay no attention to the game
  
• All stupid people
  
• People who basically piss me off

I could go on and on but I guess I should get some work done. Trust me, there will be a part 2.