Thursday, May 20, 2010

A Fractured Fable

Once upon a time there lived a happy, single bear named, amazingly enough, Happy Single Bear. He lived a happy if mundane life in a magical kingdom called Cambridge. He had great friends and a great family but never met that special someone and "settled down". He was OK with that, well, at least he thought he was. At the end of an especially long week he decided he wanted to go and have a couple of his favorite bear beers, Miller Lite, and watch his favorite bear baseball team, the Bearston Red Sox. So, he said to himself "I think I will call of few of my good friends and go watch the game". So he pulled out his Bearizon Wireless cell phone and called his friends

He called his good friend Married Bear. Before Happy Single Bear could even get a word in Married Bear said "Why Happy Single Bear me and the little lady we're just talking about you. She was just saying how we need to set you up with one of her friends. You're such a great guy you really should have a great girl and maybe get married some day. Being married is the best. My life has been totally awesome since I got married. I always say a bear isn't complete until he's happily married". Happy Single Bear started thinking to himself, gee, is my life really incomplete because I am not married? He was feeling pretty bad for himself when Married Bear asked "so, why did you call"? Snapping out of it, Happy Single Bear said "oh, yea, I was wondering if you wanted to catch the Sox game and grab some bear beers tonight"? Married Bear replied "sorry no can do. The old ball-and-chain has my whole night planned out. First we're going to Ikea then we're going to watch Julie and Julia. Should be a lot of fun. Maybe some other time". Noting the beat down tone in his voice Happy Single Bear said goodbye and hung up

Next on his list was his good friend Papa Bear. Papa Bear was married and had 3 cubs. Papa Bear picked up the phone and said "why Happy Single Bear, me and Married Bear were just talking about you recently. He was saying how we need to get you hooked up and married and I couldn't agree more. Once we get that taken care of you need to start making some babies. You're not getting any younger you know. I never knew how much I'd love being a daddy but now I can't imagine being anything else but. I am a happy man". Once again Happy Single Bear starting feeling down. Was Papa Bear right? Happy Single Bear always thought he'd be a great daddy but it just never happened and now in his 40's he wasn't sure it was the right thing anymore even if opportunity arose. "so, what were you calling about" Papa Bear chipped in. "Oh, I was wondering if you wanted to go watch the Sox game" said Happy Single Bear. "No can do buddy" Papa Bear said "cub #1 has been coughing all week, I have a parent/teacher conference for cub #2 and cub #3 has lacrosse at 7:00 am tomorrow morning. We'll get together soon" Noting the exhaustion in his voice Happy Single Bear bid his friend farewell

Getting a little bummed out but determined nonetheless he pressed on and called his friend Suburban Bear. He had up and moved him and his family to the home of his dreams. Unfortunately, as far as Happy Single Bear was concerned, it was also in the middle of nowhere. Having learned from his previous mistakes this time Happy Single Bear jumped in as soon as Suburban Bear answered. "Hey Burb, wanna come down and hit the bear bar and catch the Sox game"? To which he replied "ah, I don't know. It's kind of a haul for me to come down there. Then I'd have to drive home...your couch just doesn't cut it any more...and it's just not worth it. How bout you come up here? Give me an hour to drive to the liquor store for beer and the grocery for some steaks and we'll grill out on the deck then retire to my Bear Cave to watch the game. It will be fun. You're always welcome to crash in the guest bedroom". "Ah, I was kind of in the mood to be around other bears, you know, like a bar" said Happy Single Bear. "Hap, we're getting a little old for hanging in bars" said Suburban Bear "I know you love where you live and the lifestyle but don't you think it's time to get out of the city and head for wide open spaces and fresh air? Have a nice big yard and a porch and deck to sit on? I'm telling you man, it's the life". Happy Single Bear thought about the offer for about a nanosecond before replying "Thanks man but a couple of other guys are already heading out with me (telling a white lie) so I'm going to have to pass". "Now worries friend" said Burb "by the time I'm done mowing the stupid lawn the game will be half over anyway. Talk soon"

Now Happy Single Bear was not feeling so happy. Were his friends right? Was he missing out on all the great things his friends had? Did he miss the boat by never having married, having kids and moving to the suburbs? Did his friends really feel bad for him when all along he thought, on some levels, they envied him? He was feeling too bad for himself to bother going out for the game when his phone rang and it was his buddy Other Single Bear. "yo Hap, up for catching the Sox game and a few brewski's at Bearit Bar"? Happy Single Bear broke into a huge grin and said "See your there in 15 minutes"!

And he lived happily ever after!!

But wait, this is a fable as opposed to a fairy tale so there has to be a moral to the story, right? OK, so:

Classic Moral- Be happy with who you are and don't let anyone else tell you what happiness is

Classic Rock Moral- "It's My Life and I'll Do What I Want"

Angry Moral- You worry about your stupid life and I'll worry about mine, OK?

Scooby Doo Moral- I woulda got away with my happy life if it wasn't for you meddling other bears

Haiku Moral-
Happy Bear I am
live your life I'll live mine
now it's Miller time

Movie Trailer Moral- "In a world where people are pushing their happiness on others, one single, happy bear stands alone against a firestorm of negative reinforcement"

A.D.D. Moral- If you like your life then you should...oh look, a car gets 30 miles to the gallon. Caribou

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