Wednesday, March 24, 2010

It's in the bag

You've seen them. You've dealt with them. Hell, you might even BE one of them. You know, a douche-bag. Now, if you're unfamiliar with the term, and I'm talking about a person, not the actual feminine hygiene product, I'll try and define it. I'm talking about a person so reprehensible in their obvious obnoxiousness and cliched, nouveau riche existence that they don't even realize what a douche-bag they are. How do you identify a douche-bag? How do you know if you are a douche-bag? Fear not friends, here is a short list of things and ways to tell if you are a douche-bag. I like to call it "You might be a douche-bag if..."

1) You regularly use terms like "outside the box", "drill down", "future endeavors", or "on my radar" and make the air quote while saying it

2) You shovel your snow, pump your basement water, or rake your leaves into the middle of the street with complete disregard to how it affects your neighbors

3) You complain about how much insurance you have to pay on the car you only use on weekends

4) You use the word "summer" as a verb as in "we summer in the Hamptons"

5) Even in casual conversation you use only analogies pertaining to golf, skiing, boating or some other activity that most people are limited in their ability to participate in

6) You talk on your cell phone at the gym

7) You drive a Hummer. 'nuff said

8) You wear sunglasses on top of your head, or your hat, long after the sun has gone down

9) You pay $100 or more for a haircut

10) You take a contrarian view on a popular subject for the simple purpose of pissing people off. For example you wear the jersey of the quarterback facing the home team even though you have no connection to this team

11) You will have a conversation with someone while not looking them in the eyes because you're reading or composing email on your Blackberry or other smart phone device

12) You ask someone, who you know cannot afford it, if they've ever eaten at this expensive place, tried this expensive wine or this expensive scotch

13) You consider hiring a highly recommended nanny as good parenting

14) You've ever parked you car sideways, diagonally, or intentionally took up 2 parking spots in a parking lot. Likewise if you've ever parked your car in such a way as you never even considered how the person parked next to you will get in or out of their car

15) You have been thrown out of your adult hockey/baseball/softball/volleyball/etc league for throwing a hissy fit at the official

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I've probably ruffled a few feathers and pissed a few people off but like I always say, it's my blog. If you disagree, write your own. And always remember if you take anything written here as serious or something to take to heart then a) you don't know me and b) you need to get a life!!

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Over and Under

In popular culture we are told what's hot and what's not, what's in and what's out, what we should be doing and what we shouldn't be doing. Me, I'm not buying it. So much of the crapola we've been force fed into believing is gospel is completely overrated. On the other hand there has been some amazing people, places and things that have gone under the radar that deserve more credit then they've gotten. In other words they are underrated. With that in mind here is my totally random, totally opinionated, overrated vs underrated list:

Overrated- NASCAR
Underrated- UFC

Overrated- Lebron James
Underrated- Manny Pacquiao

Overrated- The Seattle grunge sound
Underrated- Early 80's power pop

Overrated- "Scarface"
Underrated- "Miller's Crossing"

Overrated- Tapas
Underrated- Soul Food

Overrated- Reality TV
Underrated- USA network original programming

Overrated- "Entourage"
Underrated- "Curb Your Enthusiasm"

Overrated- James Patterson
Underrated- George Pelecanos

Overrated- "Twilight"
Underrated- "True Blood"

Overrated- Lady Gaga
Underrated- David Bowie

Overrated- Pickup Trucks
Underrated- Fuel Efficient Sub-Compacts

Overrated- St Patrick's Day, New Years Eve, Night Before Thanksgiving
Underrated- A random night in a quiet bar with your best friends

Overrated- Relationships
Underrated- Being single

Overrated- Pearl Jam
Underrated- Red Hot Chili Peppers

Overrated- The beach
Underrated- The mountains

Overrated- NYC, LA
Underrated- Philly, Chicago

Overrated- Vacationing in the Tropics
Underrated- Holidays in Ireland

Overrated- Barnes and Noble
Underrated- The library

Overrated- Windows
Underrated- Mac

Overrated- High School
Underrated- College

Overrated- Catcher in the Rye
Underrated- A Separate Peace

Overrated- The 70's
Underrated- The 80's

Overrated- WWF (World Wildlife Foundation)
Underrated- WWE (World Wrestling Entertainment)

Overrated- Being single
Underrated- Relationships...hmmm,sounds familiar, yet not...

Overrated- Blogs
Underrated- THIS blog ;-)

Well, that's the list...I'm sure a lot (most) of you disagree but hey, start your own list. The way I feel is Overrated- Your opinion, Underrated- MY opinion

Thursday, March 04, 2010

The Golden Wedgies, 2010

So, one of my earliest blogs was what I called The Golden Wedgie Awards. It was my version of the Academy Awards or maybe closer to the Darwin Awards. Here is how I summed it up back then:

I feel I just haven’t been raging against stupid people enough recently so figured it was time to catch up. I’m announcing the first recipients or the Rich O Golden Wedgie Awards. For the uninitiated, a wedgie is a form of torture and humiliation usually dispensed on teenage boys by bullies or as part of a “welcoming” ritual. The procedure is usually grasping one by the back of their underpants and pulling with great force and velocity pulling said underwear into ones “anal cleft” causing great pain, discomfort and yes, humiliation. Naturally it works best if the person is wearing briefs or “tighty whiteys” as boxers simply don’t give the same effect. For the purpose of these awards, neither men nor women shall be spared from my wrath. Many of you insane enough to have been reading my crap for the last couple of years will recognize some of these repeat offenders. That said, on to the Wedgies:

At the time I promised there would be more Golden Wedgies but somehow it didn't happen...until now. If you're interested in reading the original, it's still up here:

On to the Wedgies!

* Most annoying use of a parked car- This goes to the Executive Parker. You know, they are so important and what they're doing is so important they simply park where they want, including making their own spots, regardless of whoever else it inconveniences. Double parking, handicapped parking, parking in an area designated for 2 way traffic narrowing it down to just one. These are just the tip of the iceberg for our winner, the Executive Parker

*Most annoying use of a cell phone in a speaking role- It was a close call but just edging out the Checkout Line Yapper is the Just Plane Ignorant Caller. Is there anything more annoying on a flight then the person who absolutely, positively must continue to talk on their phone until the flight attendant has to pry it from their cold, dead hands? Yes, the person who has to get on their phone again the second the plane lands. I mean the very second. And everyone around them is forced to listen to their stupid freaking call. And, worst of all this is the typical call(s); "hi, we're just taking off. My car is at the airport so I'll be home around 8:00" followed by "Hi, we just landed I'm headed to pick up my car and should be home by 8:00".

*Most annoying use of a cell phone in a texting role- The Cinematic Sinner. Movie theaters are dark. Cell phone screens are bright. When bright meets dark, annoyance ensues. No matter how far forward you lean or cover up, I can SEE you texting and it's ruining my movie experience so please, STOP. There is light (pun intended) at the end of the tunnel as they now ask you to refrain from phone call and texts during the movie so I'm sure this will help...right?

*Most annoying unhappy customer at a retail chain- The Rabid Repeater- He's unhappy about something. The manager expresses sympathy but explains it's store policy. Not happy with that, he states his case again and again to apologies but no change in what they can do. Not happy he complains to the guy stocking shelves, the woman at checkout and yes, even other customers because by god he's getting his pound of flesh one way or the other.

* Most annoying performance at a restaurant by an employee- High Hat Harry/Harriet- One of my favorite parts of going out to eat is the service staff. Hard working people making an honest living. That is until you go to a fancier or pricier place and these people, working for tips, take one look at you and decide this place is above your pay scale. Don't look or talk down on me because you WORK at a classy establishment or I'll kick your WearGuard wearing, Ford Escort driving, still have roommates even tho I'm in my late 30's ass all the way back to TGIFridays

*Most annoying performance at a restaurant by a customer- Lower Then Pond Scum Louis/Louise- "Treat everyone as you would like to be treated yourself" as an adage goes out the window when you're out to eat. A perfectly normal person who would never cuss out a friend, family member, or coworker publicly has no compunction about doing this to the person who delivered their meal or drink wrong. This is of course because the server is imperfect while Louis/Louise is perfect. This is because the server is simply not to your level of society so they deserve to be treated as the lower form of life you feel they are

*Most annoying performance by a pet owner- Stupid Selfish Shnauzer Shopper. Leave your dog at home. I'll say it again LEAVE YOUR DOG AT HOME!! I don't care if the pretentious, ass kissing store is "pet friendly" (which really means dog friendly as I think if someone brought their Komodo Dragon with them it would be less then friendly), leave your dog at home. Let alone that there are millions of people who are allergic or have a phobia to dogs, it's just plain ignorant. I, simply put, don't want your dirty ass dog walking around anywhere I'm going to buy food. Period

OK, I'm out of steam and need to simmer down so that's it for now but trust me, there will be more and it won't be 3 years before I write about them