Wednesday, March 24, 2010

It's in the bag

You've seen them. You've dealt with them. Hell, you might even BE one of them. You know, a douche-bag. Now, if you're unfamiliar with the term, and I'm talking about a person, not the actual feminine hygiene product, I'll try and define it. I'm talking about a person so reprehensible in their obvious obnoxiousness and cliched, nouveau riche existence that they don't even realize what a douche-bag they are. How do you identify a douche-bag? How do you know if you are a douche-bag? Fear not friends, here is a short list of things and ways to tell if you are a douche-bag. I like to call it "You might be a douche-bag if..."

1) You regularly use terms like "outside the box", "drill down", "future endeavors", or "on my radar" and make the air quote while saying it

2) You shovel your snow, pump your basement water, or rake your leaves into the middle of the street with complete disregard to how it affects your neighbors

3) You complain about how much insurance you have to pay on the car you only use on weekends

4) You use the word "summer" as a verb as in "we summer in the Hamptons"

5) Even in casual conversation you use only analogies pertaining to golf, skiing, boating or some other activity that most people are limited in their ability to participate in

6) You talk on your cell phone at the gym

7) You drive a Hummer. 'nuff said

8) You wear sunglasses on top of your head, or your hat, long after the sun has gone down

9) You pay $100 or more for a haircut

10) You take a contrarian view on a popular subject for the simple purpose of pissing people off. For example you wear the jersey of the quarterback facing the home team even though you have no connection to this team

11) You will have a conversation with someone while not looking them in the eyes because you're reading or composing email on your Blackberry or other smart phone device

12) You ask someone, who you know cannot afford it, if they've ever eaten at this expensive place, tried this expensive wine or this expensive scotch

13) You consider hiring a highly recommended nanny as good parenting

14) You've ever parked you car sideways, diagonally, or intentionally took up 2 parking spots in a parking lot. Likewise if you've ever parked your car in such a way as you never even considered how the person parked next to you will get in or out of their car

15) You have been thrown out of your adult hockey/baseball/softball/volleyball/etc league for throwing a hissy fit at the official

This is just the tip of the iceberg. I've probably ruffled a few feathers and pissed a few people off but like I always say, it's my blog. If you disagree, write your own. And always remember if you take anything written here as serious or something to take to heart then a) you don't know me and b) you need to get a life!!

No comments: